The Black Book

Time and time again, Evil has been thwarted by idiotic heros and incompetent villains. This Book shall establish the codes for new villains to follow, so that they can finally be successful.

Rule One: The Black Book doesnt exist; never talk about the Black Book

Rule Two: I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.

Rule Three: Upon capturing the hero, I will immediately declare a "Take your daughter to work day" to have a significant number of human shields on hand.

Rule Four: There will be mandatory critical thinking exercises that must be passed. That way, I can test and weed out all the morons.

Rule Five: Be sure to never monologue; until after your task is completed. Monologues give the opposition time to think/weasel their way out of a sticky situation.

Rule Six: I foster happiness in my Empire. My interest is in power, not being a dick. Failing all else this will allow me to counter a heroic Spirit Bomb with one of my own.

Rule Seven: Have a good name, but not one that people have to ponder, or take forever to say; Like the green meanie. LAME. Something that actually demands respect.
Superman demands respect. The Tick, does not. Just an example.

Rule Eight: If I have a wife, girlfriend, or significant other, I will remain faithful. The wrath of a Woman Scorned is probably the most powerful force in the universe, and I'd rather not face it. I'm not having my plans shot to hell because I couldn't keep my pants on. (Say nothing *glares*)

Rule Nine: My plans will not involve animals when it is not really necessary. I will not drop the hero into a snake pit when a pit of poison-coated spikes will be just as effective, and a lot cheaper. I will have a Shark Pool, but the only people I will have thrown in will be convicted rapists, serial killers, and other horrible criminals deserving the death penalty. That way I still get to see people torn to shreds without causing too much bad PR; the public probably hates criminals more that I do.

Rule Ten: If I am ever face-to-face with the protagonist, I will tie him/her down first to make sure he/she can't do any damage before I monologue. Better yet, I'll just resist the urge to monologue. (see Rule Five)

Even better, I will just shoot him

Rule Eleven: Never work from your parents home or basement. If you want to be taken seriously as a viable threat that may take over whatever; You have to be at least a little self reliant.

Rule Twelve: Never use a moat.

Rule Thirteen: Don't make enemies with other major villains, it could cause delays in your plans.
Or posts.

Rule Fourteen: There is a time and a place for my maniacal laugh, and that is right after my adorable little granddaughter does something cute (such as pulling the lever on the trap door under an incompetent minion) because she thinks my special laugh is cute and she will start laughing herself and very few Heroes will attack a doting grandfather while his 6 year old granddaughter laughs with him. I will not however engage in maniacal laughter at an inappropriate time, such as when I am ordering my troops into battle or when my Grand Master Plan has nearly come to fruition, because any hero worthy of the name will choose that moment to attack.

Rule Fifteen: Never, under any circumstances, will I take on a name like "Vincent the Invincible", or anything involving godhood. Even if it's deserved. Especially if it's deserved. Do I really want to find out how invincible I am the hard way?

Rule Sixteen: I will not listen to the princess/heroine/love interest when she says she'll marry me if only I spare the hero's life. The fact that she was not willing to entertain the idea when his life was not on the line suggests her priorities are elsewhere.

Instead, I will have him executed out of her sight, dress up a similar looking minion dress up in his clothes, "release" the minion in front of her, and marry her.

Rule Seventeen: I will never assume the hero is dead. Period. It's not paranoia if they're really out to get you.

(im sooooooo bored)

Rule Eighteen: I will not keep a gigantic, man-eating beast that is likely to eat just anyone who happens to dump into its moat or dungeon. If it can't be trained into never trying to eat me, it's not worth the risk.

Rule Nineteen: If I hear a suspicious sound coming from somewhere in my fortress or just outside my camp, I will send out three henchmen to investigate: one in the direction from which the sound was coming, two in the opposite direction.

If I do not get updated on the situation within a reasonable timeframe, I will have the area under heavy guard, with powerful weapons prepared in case of sudden hero encounters.

Rule Twenty: When the captured hero is brought to you, shoot them in the head, divulge your evil plan to the corpse.

Rule Twenty One: Mutants, zombies, ect. make bad minions.

Rule Twenty Two: When using poisons or diseases, never leave the cure in the "secret" lab. carry it with you.

Rule Twenty Three: Always have an antidote before releasing a deadly strain/toxin/disease, and have a way to mass produce it.

Rule Twenty-Four: Should the hero somehow enter my realm, and is detected. I will NOT allow him and his party to carry on while I plot his demise. He shall instead be greeted by an airstrike.

Rule Twenty-Five: I will find alternate means of dealing with any enemy who would become more powerful if killed.

Rule Twenty-Six: I will consider all rules and vows carefully, but will treat them only as guidelines, not absolute laws. If fiction has taught me anything, an inflexible evil overlord is a dead evil overlord.

Rule Twenty-Seven: I will never wear a cape. Period.

Rule Twenty-Eight: If a previously powerless hero has started glowing brightly and exhibiting god-like powers, for fucks sake I mustn't shoot them. Instead, I will say they have shown me the true power of good, that evil is flawed and weak, and that I shall change my kingdom. When they have stopped glowing (as these things tend to be short lived) then I'll shoot them.

Rule Twenty-Nine: Clones. BAD.
I will never create an army of clones.
I will never clone myself to have a backup body.
Clone Hitler is a even worse idea. I will have it on a bulletin board. Those who encourage it get killed. Those who notice get promotions.

Rule Thirty: I will always keep in mind that nothing slows down the hero's progress quite like being dead, and remind myself not to settle for second best.

Make this top priority. Heroes and deadness don't go together well.

And even if I succeed, I will not rule out the possibility of him to come Back From The Dead in some way.

If he does, be prepared. Rearrange his corpse with explosives, so the minute he comes back I can just blow him up.

Why not just blow him up the instant his body is found? If his friends don't need the body to bring him back, it's not like wiring his corpse is going to do much good anyway.

For the sheer joy of this scenario: The instant the hero comes back to life he embraces his Love Interest happily. I detonate the explosives, and they both die horribly. Bonus points if the Love Interest was the one who revived him.

{Side Note: While not preeminent enough to be an official rule, is still important enough to warrant a caution:

Do not ignore the messenger. Do not kill the messenger}

Rule Thirty One: On no account ever, ever fit your castle/underground lair/base with a network of man sized heating ducts or air vents.

Rule Thirty Two: When building the super weapon that will destroy all opposition, do not, leave it one weak point that is a closely guarded secret. Instead, have a supposed weak point that you let slip to your enemy but is actually a death trap for any heros seeking to destroy you.

Rule Thirty Three: Make sure you servants/minions wear see though helmets so you can tell exactly who is inside.

Rule Thirty Four: As a relation to rule five, do not allow the protagonist to monologue. It allows for him and or her to develop a sudden sense of courage. That is what we don't want. So to avoid this make sure when you have the hero in your grasp you take away any means of vocal activity...aside from the every now an again the sound of his/her painful and mournful cry of utter defeat. That noise is poetry and song...keep it as long as you can. However silence the hero by any rather painful uses and or ideas so that determination is shattered.

Rule Thirty Five: Repetition is not something we are after. Every supervillian I know of has tried to Dominate and Take over the world. Their plans are obvious and thus it doesn't take more that a few tatics to disable the plan. Instead take time to plan. Originality is where personality comes to play. As hard as it is, DO NOT GO FOR THE BIG SHOW! Stragetize so that you strike..and they don't see you. Paranoia. You want to scare them and make them fear you. If you come out sounding like every other common villian..you'll be mocked and their goes your plans. No go for the unexpected. The less the hero is able to figure out the better.

Rule Thirty-Six: If you're ever to make a giant superweapon (as opposed to Rule 32), and it has any weak spots bigger than my toy poodle, cover it up. At least with a pane of plexiglas, or bulletproof glass. *Death Star Fail*

Rule Thirty Seven: Mind games are a must if you are going to destroy someone's sense of being. Torture is best for destroying the body never get the two mixed up. Mind games are best played when the hero is starting to lose it and then you pick the sense of sanity from his mind. Torture is best used when you have him and are SURE that he hasnt been followed or all that rot.

Rule Thirty Eight: If your going to have a pet as a evil dictator get something that will aid you and appear menacing. Dobermen, feral cats, bat, cobra but poodles are not evil and should be avoided if you want to be taken literally. Poodles are for women and girlish-men and to be avoided or run over by those darker characters.

Rule Thirty Nine: Always cover your vats of acid/scorpions/lava and do not construct walkways above them

Rule Forty: If you have a noble half brother/cousin/one time friend who once defied you, KILL THEM. Do not lock them in the deepest dungeon.

Rule Forty One: When using a digital count down device, program it to go off at about 7 minutes, never zero.

Rule Forty Two: Never utter the word invincible

Rule Forty Three: In you main control room make sure not ALL the work station face away from the door.

Rule Forty Four: Know your enemy. Never assume anything about them. KNOW their weaknesses, and use them against them.

Rule Forty Five: Never take survivors who where once against you. If they were neutral, you may consider it. If not; Once a good guy; always a glimmer of good guy; should be your motto.

Rule Forty Six: Never Ever Trust Anyone completely.

Rule Forty Seven: Spandex Chafes. Trench coats; while they may look cool, are kinda like capes, (refer to previous rule regarding capes). Leather is hard to move in, and flannel is tacky. Again; with the whole being taken seriously thing; be careful what you dress in.

Rule Forty Eight: Never sleep with the enemy you are not James Bond


Rule Forty Nine: With reference to above ( rules 48 ). When keeping the key to a hero's cell around your neck do not invite his once girlfriend up to your room for a drink.

Rule Fifty: Never leave exposed pipes in your dungeons, they carry morse code very well. On the same note never, ever leave small gaps in your walls.

Rule Fifty One: Always strip the hero when he is caught. his watch has acid/garrot/laser in it, his belt has more stuff than batman's utility belt, the pen has a transmitter, ect. take his toys away.

Rule Fifty Two: Never repeat your own plans every time the hero comes it its easier for them to beat you.

Rule Fifty Three: The hero is going to climb the sea cliff. I know it's almost an impossible climb and no one wants to look down a sea cliff all day but they are going to try to sneak in from there. Keep guards posted there.

Rule Fifty-Four: If there was a former hero who is old during your ascendence, kill him. He can inspire and train new heroes to oppose your domain.

Rule Fifty-Five: Brute force isnt everything; learn to be as subtle as the snake, as patient as karma, and as unpredictable as the ocean.

Rule Fifty Six: If your going to kill the hero in some elaborate way don't revile your plans to him

Rule Fifty-Seven: If you have a group of mooks (servant-fighters that the hero disposes of quickly no matter how many of them there are) hide a sharpshooter in their midst so he can peck the hero off from a distance. Anti-climatic, yes. Effective, certainly.

Rule Fifty Eight: Never let the hero tell your mother what your up to *unless she'll be proud*

Rule Fifty Nine: *Was stupid: ie dont be an idiot, leave sharks alone*

Rule Sixty: Polka is not appropriate marching music.

Rule Sixty-One: You aren't allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.

Rule Sixty-Two: You are not allowed to do anything you saw Han Solo do once.

Rule Sixty-Three: You are not allowed to name your signature weapon Ceremonial Whoopass Stick.

Rule Sixty-Four: When accepting a challenge for a duel, you don't have to allow the other guy time to find a pistol.

Rule Sixty-Five: A wet towel does not constitute an improvised weapon.

Rule Sixty-Six: Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.

Rule Sixty-Seven: No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.

Rule Sixty-Eight: There is no such feat called "Death Blossom"

Rule Sixty-Nine: The following weapons are now legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.

Rule Seventy: You cannot use your time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW2.

Rule Seventy-One: You may not suprise your personal guard with spontaneous games of dodgeball.

Rule Seventy-Two: Your battlecry is not 'Now young Skywalker you will die'.

Rule Seventy-Three: You cannot 'fistinate' anybody, whatever the hell that means.

Rule Seventy-Four: When challenged to a showdown, you're meant to face him at 10 paces with pistols, not 10 blocks with a Sharpe's Big .50.

Rule Seventy-Five: You are to avoid killing, upstaging or seducing historical characters.

{Note:

Inform all subordinates that 'check the door' no longer means to listen at it, it means put several rounds through it. }

{Note:

Tell all subordinates to refrain from using wildly inaccurate high explosive weapons in close quarters.}

Rule Seventy-Six: We will not implement any battle plan that includes the underlined words: And hope they miss a lot

Rule Seventy-Seven: The ability to afflict everyone in with herpes is not an acceptable super power.

The ability to afflict people with AIDS, on the other hand, is acceptable

Rule Seventy-Eight: No how tough the encounter was, you will keep the congratulatory ass slapping to a minimum.

Rule Seventy-Nine: If I wake up to find black cloaked figures in my room, I will immediately point them to my wife's room.

Rule Eighty: Be polite. Be efficient. Have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

{Note:

Just to show power, at the first opportunity I will bind an infernal creature of power to my bidding and make him mow the lawn.}

{Note:

"This is SPARTA!" is not a valid battlecry.}

Rule Eighty One: A heroine is a female good guy, not something you shoot in your arm. Remember it, it could save your life

Rule Eighty Two: Set up atomic bombs ahead of time inside of cats [Edit: Cats are awesome, do it with dogs instead]

Rule Eighty Three: If the hero comes on a horse, shoot the damn thing, don't let it come up to the fortress.

Rule Eighty Four: ~your mama jokes just make the hero madder~ Post this on a bulletin board, anyone who agrees, gets shot
anyone who notices, gets promoted

Rule Eighty Five: the good guys don't like it when you make fun of their costumes

Rule Eighty Six: Triplecross a fake play of betrayal in order to kill the hero in their sleep ^^
putting the blame on another whos a complete fool

Rule Eighty Seven: Never threaten the hero with food in your teeth they will use it against you

Rule Eighty Eight: Use mutants as a last resort and for spying

Rule Eighty Nine: Never use the same death trap twice

If it works the first time, consider it a success while assuming it wont work again

Rule Ninety: Never eat the good guy he'll just bust out of your stomach

And its not good for PR

Rule Ninety One: Never tell the good guy your plan even while he is near death, miralcles are a pain in the ass

Rule Ninety Two: Never let the hero see the rules

Rule Ninety Three: Anyone who shows the slightest hint of being a lovable rogue or comic sidekick is to executed immediately.

Rule Ninety Four: Never kill the stress releaver

Unless its the heroes

He gets shot second, right after the medic

Rule Ninety Five: Don't turn into a snake. It never helps.

Rule Ninety Six: If an infant is destined to over trow you. Kill them. Do not a) leave them on a hillside, b) send a minion to kill them or c) try to raise them up yourself.

Rule Ninety Seven: Comedy is the best stress releaver so plan on hiring at least 3 jesters (kill all who dont releave stress)

Rule Ninety Eight: Put the force field generator INSIDE the force field.

Rule Ninety Nine: Never have a self destruct button next to the missle launch button

On another note, never make them the same color

Rule One Hundred: However much you want to, never tell an underling, "Leave him. He's mine!"